A Rediscovered Passion

I haven't been playing competitive Magic for almost two years now. There is both good and bad coming from it. The good is, I'm able to fully focus on my study. I managed to publish three journals and two internet articles and appear in three international conferences this year alone. It's kinda crazy what the mind can do when you really put everything into it. It's like, what the hell am I doing for two years after my graduation? How did I managed to be so fruitless in those years when in fact I can do so much more. I blame my addiction to Magic for some of it, but I also blame my laziness after being subjected to a quite luxurious and comfortable lifestyle due to my job and income.

More importantly, I'm also able to write the kind of thesis that I really want to write, unlike in my undergraduate time when I just write the kind of paper that will only help me to graduate. I'm quite ashamed of my undergraduate thesis and never feel like to return to it to improve or even publish it (perhaps I'll change my mind in the future, but not now). My graduate study has been a very redeeming experience for me and not playing competitive Magic has contributed a lot to it being possible (As a bonus, I also got a chance to be an assistant lecturer in a university in which I failed to pass for my undergraduate study - it was a sweet sweet revenge!).

The bad is, obviously I missed Magic a lot. I missed drafting in Two Stompas and hanging out with those awesome people. More than that, I missed the adrenaline rush that I can only ever get from playing competitive Magic. I recently participated in a local on-the-spot Hearthstone tournament with only 7 participants. However, the participants are all high profile (we got DouAhou, Ligagamejoth, Rezdan and Meliodas, the best Hearthstone player in the world), so the tournament was anything except casual.

I managed to defeat DouAhou (whom I lost to in the finals of Indocomtech - yet another sweet revenge) and it was very satisfying - though I lost to Meliodas and Joth (both with 3-2 record). The tournament reminded me again of why I'm so addicted to playing competitively. The adrenaline rush that I got was incomparable, my hand was literally shaking while holding my tablet, and I felt an insurmountable of joy every time I'm able to win a round. These are the kind of things I missed so much from playing competitive Magic.

The reason of my hiatus, aside from the need to focus on my study, is also financial. Magic is definitely not a hobby for those who can't afford to spend a significant amount of cash while Hearthstone, you can play it for much much less (I myself have only spent less than IDR 2 millions and I have acquired all of the top tier deck for both Standard and Wild).

During this last two years, I have to spent almost all of my income (which I got from a freelance jobs here and there) to pay for my tuition (instead of that super sweet Unstable packs) so I got no extra money for Magic. It kinda sucks, but as I have explained above, it's also a good thing. However, I have recently landed myself on a decent-paying full-time job and a decent-paying freelance job as well. My financial condition is getting better and better these days, so expect me to come back into Magic soon! (not that anyone care).

One thing that I have realized from this two years of hiatus from competitive Magic is that I'm actually not and (probably) will never ever be a true competitive player. Ebnu used to consider me as a rival (yes, I believe you do, just admit it), but now he is leaps and bounds beyond my reach (as he is the self-proclaimed best drafter in Jakarta and also a member of the national team). Looking at his growth as a Magic player, I realized that there are so many effort that you need to dedicate yourself into if you ever want to be at least a decent player (and even more if you want to go pro).

I used to dream myself of being in the same room as Patrick Chapin, Brian Kibler, LSV, Gerry Thompson and competing with them in a Pro Tour (I mean, anyone who ever plays Magic competitively should at least have this kind of dream once in their lifetime). But now, I realize that I could never ever dedicate myself into the gruesome and tedious cycle of practicing and grinding that they did. With that in mind, I'm finally able to rid myself of the worry and the passion to be a good Magic player and can proudly call myself as "a casual player." Yes, even if I come back to playing Magic regularly in the near future, I will only do it casually.

In place of my passion to be a good Magic player, I have finally rediscovered my passion to be a good scholar. I have found the path that I need to walk into, I have realized the kind of effort that I will need to make and I have fully commit my willingness to do every steps that I must absolutely take. My current job is very related to that path (unlike my previous one) and I have also found my place in some progressive communities that is also very related to it. Most importantly, I have also found the comrades to accompany me in enduring this adventure.

But just like Magic, this burning rediscovered passion of mine could definitely go off in the future (not like it has never been before) and I could definitely change my mind, but for now: this is what I feel I wanna do and I will enjoy the heat of this flame while it last. Magic will probably only be a footnote in my story now, but it doesn't mean that I'll stop posting in this blog (again, not that anyone care). Writing has always been my passion and I don't find any reason to stop writing in this blog, as long as I got something interesting to write about. That's all for my update, I hope you (is there anyone who actually read this blog? lol) have an enjoyable life!